Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason |  | Author: Alfie Kohn
Publisher: Atria
Category: Book
List Price: $15.00
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Rating:  89 reviews
Sales Rank: 14558
Media: Paperback
Edition: 1st Atria Books Trade Pbk. Ed
Pages: 272
Number Of Items: 1
Shipping Weight (lbs): 0.5
Dimensions (in): 8.2 x 5.4 x 0.8
ISBN: 0743487486
Dewey Decimal Number: 649.1
EAN: 9780743487481
ASIN: 0743487486
Publication Date: March 28, 2006
Availability: Usually ships in 1-2 business days
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Product Description
Most parenting guides begin with the question "How can we get kids to do what they're told?" and then proceed to offer various techniques for controlling them. In this truly groundbreaking book, nationally respected educator Alfie Kohn begins instead by asking, "What do kids need -- and how can we meet those needs?" What follows from that question are ideas for working with children rather than doing things to them. One basic need all children have, Kohn argues, is to be loved unconditionally, to know that they will be accepted even if they screw up or fall short. Yet conventional approaches to parenting such as punishments (including "time-outs"), rewards (including positive reinforcement), and other forms of control teach children that they are loved only when they please us or impress us. Kohn cites a body of powerful, and largely unknown, research detailing the damage caused by leading children to believe they must earn our approval. That's precisely the message children derive from common discipline techniques, even though it's not the message most parents intend to send. More than just another book about discipline, though, Unconditional Parenting addresses the ways parents think about, feel about, and act with their children. It invites them to question their most basic assumptions about raising kids while offering a wealth of practical strategies for shifting from "doing to" to "working with" parenting -- including how to replace praise with the unconditional support that children need to grow into healthy, caring, responsible people. This is an eye-opening, paradigm-shattering book that will reconnect readers to their own best instincts and inspire them to become better parents.
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| Customer Reviews:
Showing reviews 1-5 of 89
 A much-needed shift in thinking about parenting July 9, 2006
Mark S. Meritt (Red Hook, NY USA)
46 out of 48 found this review helpful
This is perhaps one of the most important books I've read.
It makes a strong case for why both punishment/criticism/consequences and rewards/praise not only are ineffective in getting kids to do what we want but also cause lasting harm to kids' development. It provides many great insights toward alternatives, all flowing from the idea that we must unconditionally meet children's needs, that this is how we can give kids a solid foundation upon which to develop healthfully.
Yet the book is certainly not about being a pushover as a parent. The punishment/reward opposites it criticzes are distinguished as, themselves, just one side of another pair of dysfunctional parenting opposites. They are just different ways to use power to control kids. On the other hand is permissiveness, which is also ineffective. The book makes clear that it is both possible and necessary to be a parent, to set boundaries, and that it's simply a question of how one does so, respecting kids as human beings and seeking to work with them toward positive ends rather than do things to them that can't possibly move them toward the ends we want.
UP sheds a great amount of light on parenting, education and, if one is willing to extend its ideas, communication in general, even among adults. On top of all this, it is an easy and enjoyable read.
For those already interested in approaches such as attachment parenting, unschooling, positive discipline, etc., this book is a must read, giving perhaps the broadest picture possible about why these various approaches are so necessary and providing ways for people to make connections among them.
For anyone who is a parent of a child of any age, for anyone who relates with kids of any age, and really for anyone who wants to improve their communication and their relationships in general, I highly recommend that you find an opportunity to read this book soon.
A must read for all parents February 25, 2008
C. Pettis (Minneapolis, MN)
17 out of 17 found this review helpful
I was skeptical before reading this book. No time outs? No punishments, no rewards? There's a problem with praise? I was even skeptical for the first few chapters. But by the end, I was won over by the sheer amount of research backing up Kohl's parenting philosophy.
I told my husband when I finished it that I was going to try it. We were done with time outs, punishments and praise. My husband raised his eyebrows but went along. While I can't say that we've done this perfectly, the change this wrought in the behavior of our oldest (4 yrs old) was amazing. So much so that my husband said about two weeks later that whatever it was that I was doing differently, I should keep doing it. Her preschool teacher remarked that my daughter just seemed to "really change, really grow" all of a sudden. Truly, it was remarkable.
It should be noted that this is not a "how-to" book. There are not a lot of practical examples of how to parent as Kohl suggests. For this, I would suggest reading "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk" by Faber and Mazlish (as well as their other books).
Even if you end up not agreeing with this book, I would suggest reading it since it will challenge you to think critically about what kind of children you want to raise and how they way you parent affects them.
ETA: It's now been two years since I first read this book and I would still consider this the most important, even if not most helpful, parenting book I have read. It not only transformed my parenting but it gave me tools for sorting through the mounds of often contradictory advice out there. Reading this put me on a quest to build a better, more effective parenting toolbox, and I am so grateful for having learned better ways of responding to conflicts with my children (and for seriously reducing said conflicts as well!). For books helpful in this manner, I would also recommend reading Larry Cohen's "Playful Parenting" and Mary Sheedy Kurchinka's "Kids, Parents and Power Struggles."
Must Read for Parents and Educators April 20, 2007
C.J. Tollier (Glen Carbon, IL)
16 out of 16 found this review helpful
I opened the Wall Street Journal today to find an article entitled "The Most-Praised Generation Goes to Work." The article describes how some employers have to "dish out kudos to workers for little more than showing up." One company has a staff "celebrations assistant" whose job is to throw confetti at employees and pass out helium ballons; another estimates that employees receive praise every 20 seconds. The examples go on and on. Perhaps parents and educators need to look at "rewards and praise" in a new light. This book does just that and I wish I would have read it sooner! I cannot recommend this book enough. Instead of giving you a "blow-by-blow" of what to do in a specific situation, Kohn gives you strategies that can apply and be expanded to numerous situations. Many new parents and teachers want to know what to do if the child does "this." Well, as we all experience by dealing with various people in our lives, we need to treat each person as an individual and may deal with the situation differently depending on the people involved. One important point Kohn makes that I found extremely insightful was to think (and listen) to how we speak to our (and others') children. If we would not want to be spoken to like that then perhaps we need to reflect on how we can handle the situation differently. Good luck to all new parents and educators who are willing to take a deep look at their choices and make the necessary changes to help our children!
I saw him speak and it changed my parenting - wonderful June 17, 2005
Steve Nenninger (New York, NY)
73 out of 88 found this review helpful
I can't believe that I haven't written a review before this. I saw Alfie Kohn speak in Sag Harbor NY and it changed my parenting. There are some things that you carry around inside of you, the truth is what it is often called, and you don't really know exactly what it is until some very enlightened person names it. This is what Aflie Kohn did for me and 6 other people that I was with. We all left his lecture with both a profound commitment to changing the way we were parenting our children. However I can also tell you that we left with a profound sense of relief that we can all stop working so hard to "make" our children feel good and just start letting them feel. It has been six month since I heard the lecture and since then I keep a supply of his book in my offe and give it to all of the parent that I treat. (I am a naturopathic doctor in New York for ten years.) IT has been universally well recieved. I know that there will be some negative reviews by the "old school" that feel it worked for me and so it will work for me kid. I just feel that if I can accomplish what I am trying to do with my children and it can be easier, more fen and more effective then I will choose that path. I just feel grateful there a people like Alfie Kohn out there and I think that you should try this book.
Best parenting book ever! October 3, 2005
Leslie Rook
49 out of 58 found this review helpful
I was compelled to write a review for the first time on Amazon after being so shocked to see the negative reviews for this marvelous book. Alphie Kohn is the first (that I know of) to put not only himself as a parent but also the whole body of parenting advice literature in a critical light. His own humble advice is simple and logical but, at the same time, nothing less than earth-shattering. It puts the whole concept of parenting under the microscope and makes us ask ourselves whether our ideas are ethical, or even practical. I have now seen my children blossom under the respect I have been able to give them after reading this book without fear of losing my "authority." I found that my children are even more able to show me the respect I need as a mother and a person, when they are being respected themselves. This means taking their needs and feelings seriously, as seriously as we take our friend's or spouse's needs. What a simple concept, but oh so threatening to most of us who are deeply afraid of those shopping-mall tantrums and bad reports from teachers. It takes a lot of courage for parents to shut out the rest of the world, with its judgements and expectations, and relate directly with the small, but equally valuable, person that is our child. What scares so many parents is the idea of losing control, and this fear comes through in negative reviews. What a sad reflection on us as "big people" and as a civilized society, where everyone, except of course the young, have equal rights for respect, dignity and freedom.
Showing reviews 1-5 of 89
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