Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too

When the authors of the childcare classic How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk wrote the sanity-saving Siblings Without Rivalry, grateful parents everywhere rushed to buy the book that offered solutions to constant squabbling. As the book skyrocketed to the top of bestseller lists all over the country, the authors were deluged with letters of praise and requests for personal advice on a subject that was central to all parents of two or more children.

Now, after ten years of communicating with parents through letters, TV and radio talk shows, and in their workshops, the authors have added fresh thoughts and information for special situations. "Home alone" children are given particular attention, and the authors also show how to help very young children interact in positive ways. Siblings Without Rivalry guides the way to peace and tranquility with humor, compassion and understanding, and the illustrated, action-oriented, easy-to-understand stories will make life easier for both siblings and their parents.

Now, after ten years of communicating with parents through letters, TV and radio talk shows, and in their workshops, the authors have added fresh thoughts and information for special situations. "Home alone" children are given particular attention, and the authors also show how to help very young children interact in positive ways. SIBLINGS WITHOUT RIVALRY guides the way to peace and tranquility with humor, compassion and understanding, and the illustrated, action-oriented, easy-to-understand stories will make life easier for both siblings and their parents.

One of the strategies suggested in both books that has really reduced my frustration level is to redefine being "fair" as "meeting each child's needs" rather than focusing on being totally "equal" at all times. This thought is very helpful because my kids seem to always keep score...and I, no matter how hard I try--will often lose! Although it doesn't come naturally, I am learning to change my behavior to address needs. For example, Sunday morning I painstakingly tried to serve the exact same pancake presentation to each of the kids--and my son whined, "Mommy, that's not fa-a-ir!" and he continued to scream that his sister's pancakes were much bigger and browner than his (...in his mind, proof that I love her more). Instead of really losing it and yelling back that he was absolutely wrong, lunging for my ruler to prove it...I PAUSED...And, before I responded, I took a deep breath (...maybe 2 deep breaths) and focused my response on solving the jealousy problem. In total control of the situation, I looked my son directly in his eyes, put my hand gently on his shoulder as I replied in a very calm voice, "Hmmmmmmm. It sounds like you're still hungry, Brian...Here are two more delicious pancakes just for you!" GREAT ADVICE...and it worked!! Bad news...It does take practice, but feels so good when your thoughtful response avoids a no-win power struggle.


Parenting advice without rival   May 5, 1997
73 out of 74 found this review helpful

My sister spoke very early and her first words were "I'm telling mommy!" From the moment she arrived home from the hospital, we were locked in mortal combat. Our rivalry finally ended when I left home at 18. We are now good friends, but I wish that my parents had read this book during our childhood. Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, authors of "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk", share years of experience gained through their own parenting trials and through those of the thousands of parents who have attended their workshops. Their aim is to teach parents the skills and techniques necessary to redirect rivalry into cooperation. Topics such as teaching parents to stop treating their children equally instead of uniquely, helping children express their angry feelings acceptably, motivating children to solve their own problems, and handling fighting are expertly covered. This best-selling book puts the reader right into the middle of a fictional workshop, sitting with other frustrated parents, asking questions and working out solutions. Each chapter begins with questions aimed at helping parents to understand and acknowledge the feelings behind a common problem. The book then describes the communication skills necessary to defuse the rivalry and gain cooperation instead of arguments. Theory is put into practice in cartoon form. A problem is presented in a cartoon, which shows the "typical" way an untrained parent would respond, and then the way the problem could be resolved using the new techniques the authors teach. The last chapter of the book explores ways in which we can mend fences and renew our relationships with our own adult siblings. Several poignant stories illustrate that it is never too late to learn effective communication skills. I found this book useful for parents of only children, since the skills presented are as useful for dealing with one child as for many. For parents of two or more children, this is a MUST READ


THE book on sibling relationships!   May 14, 1999
Elizabeth Pantley (Kirkland, WA USA)
53 out of 53 found this review helpful

If you have more than one child and want to understand the rivalry and bickering and arguing - AND gain insight on useful, practical ways to improve your children's relationship with each other - then read this book. What makes this book so valuable is that the powerful ideas are presented in a very down-to-earth, easy-to-read format that you'll enjoy.


The best book I have read in a long time...   January 22, 2005
M. Relyea (Providence, RI)
33 out of 33 found this review helpful

This book is truly amazing. I have never written an online review of anything in my life, but I simply had to stop and sit down and write my thoughts on this extraordinary book.
As an only child who now is the mom to two boys I was dumbfounded by their ever changing relationship. I worked on trying to get the older one to be "nicer" to the younger one, but it seemed the more I tried, the more it backfired, and I was really at my wits end. It was so difficult to watch. And then I read this wonderful book. It gave me so many tools to work with and it really helped me to understand their relationship. Instead of watching from a distance and being powerless it made me realize that I was the key to helping them understand each other. The results were immediate and I am happy to say at this point my boys, who are only 19 months apart, are best friends. They rarely fight and when they do I know just what to say to get them to stop and listen. Usually with this gentle help they can work things out on their own.
I can't say enough good things about this book. Anyone who has more than one child should read it...anyone who has siblings of their own should read it as well as it gives much insight into adult sibling relationships too.
This book has changed our lives!!!


What a great book!   March 8, 1999
Heather (hfairley@yahoo.com) (Canada)
33 out of 34 found this review helpful

I find that most parenting books just end up making a person feel guilty or like there is no way they can possibly do all the things the book suggests. In this book (although it certainly helps you to see how far you have to go!) I have found that putting the suggestions into practice is made so much easier. I still sometimes find myself saying something unrecommended, but I catch myself and step back. And then I start over again. Other people have even commented on things that I say to the children (that i got directly from this book!) and it makes me so proud! We are all trying to do the best we can with our children, and having two or more children can be so hard at times. How do you keep both children happy? When you have only one it seems a bit easier, and having two seems like such a good idea! Then when the second child comes along things are so different! I think large families are wonderful, but I also think this is the ideal manual. Every parent (and/or sibling) should read it!